Fred's Jokes

 UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. Its called - ‘BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN’

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook .........


If dogs were teachers, you would learn stuff like:

  • When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them.
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to bepure ecstasy.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  • Take naps.
  • Stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On warm days, stop to lie on the tile floor.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie on the tile floor.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
  • Run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Stop when you have had enough.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by & nuzzle them gently.

And finally ........

Never trust anyone until you smell their butt.

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